Why I have 5 friends:

What is a friend?

What is a friend? The definition states a friend is: “a person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection” but I choose to have a different definition…

So, what is a friend to me? A friend is someone I can trust without thinking twice, a friend is someone who is going to be there at your worst times because they want to be not because they have to be. My friend is someone who I can love unconditionally like family without ever having to worry about whether or not I care about them too much.

 

Memories of lost friends:

Your primary school best friend; although you probably don’t feel the same mutual admiration for each other there always seems to be some remnants of love left. Every time I see my primary school best friend when she is sad I get a stab of nostalgia of the many times we’d cried together. You can’t help but want to console them and nurture their broken hearts when something goes wrong. I’ll never forget the last time I saw her cry, I remember just walking up to her and hugging her as she somehow trusted me, telling me a horrific story I immediately wanted to erase from her memories. As I hugged her, shaking I recalled all of our sleep overs and the many many hours we spent watching Pirates of the Caribbean, thank you for those memories, I’ll continue to cherish them.

Your high school best friend; you may be still best friends with this person in the immediate future and you probably think nothing can tear you apart but be warned things never turn out the way you planned. In my case, I’ve had one lost high school best friend. After all the pain you’ve caused me, I wouldn’t change a thing; I’ll always remember the hours sitting under a tree while I answered all your questions you were too afraid to ask anyone else, I’ll remember the last day of summer when you were pushed off a swing and  was so angry that I forced you to come home with me so I could fix your grazes and cuts, I’ll remember that summer we spent together and I’ll cherish the moment when I finally realised there was something worth leaving the house for. Now although I love the memories, I’d never swap what I have for the same feeling. I’ve hated you for so long and I’ve also never hated you; I was once told you could never hate someone you once loved and I was so convinced they were lying but they were right. I don’t hate you, I pity you, you are miserable while I barely stop laughing, you try to drag people down while I try to raise them up, I hope that you become happy one day, I really do but don’t take that happiness for granted again.

My fondest friend that I lost has shown me that just because you are bad with advice it doesn’t mean you can’t help me when I’m sad. I don’t think we’ll ever have the same friendship back, so R.I.P all those Instagram worthy photographs, and I can’t exactly say that I mind, I have what I have and I’m very grateful for it. The memory I will cherish the most is November 14th, that day was one of the best in my life. I was still struggling to express myself in the ways I wanted during this time but that day I was really myself for once, I remember singing at the top of my voice, dancing round your house and really really loving life the way I had it. Another memory I cherish dearly, although the saddest I remember, was when one of my favourite teachers was leaving we had just been to say goodbye to him and we got onto the corridor just before the stairs and I remember sliding down the wall, completely helpless, telling you the thoughts I’d had which I was trying to escape from and when I could finally look you in the eye I saw the tears rolling down your face as fast as mine were and I think that was the first time I ever realised my life meant something to someone. I think of you when I just can’t bounce back.

 

A letter to my five friends now:

One: My Kaleidoscope

I’ve never had a friend that I have loved more, I’ve never wanted for anyone the amount of light I want to fill your life as I do you and knowing me, that’s saying something. I look at you and I think every time how lucky I am to have found you. I remember in the summer before last and we were sitting in the turtle swing and you took a picture of me, put it on your snapchat story and captioned it “love this one”, I think about this a lot, even though we were in the same friendship group we were never close and I had no idea why I was receiving such affection from anybody, all we’d done was swing together and talk, I had no idea why I was so privileged to have had someone to do that for me. We’ve sat together in English for two years now and this year has been the best of my life, we’ve overcome so much. Bee always asks me whether or not I felt as if I were just taking you on as baggage since the events in the friendship group and honestly without a seconds hesitation I’ve always answered no, I wouldn’t sacrifice you for the world and don’t take that lightly, I would love to change the world ;). I like to think about all the time we’ve spent together and how much time we can still spend together, all the traded songs describing exactly how we felt, listen to ‘when I look at you’ by Miley Cyrus if you want to know I feel about you. I love every aspect of you and the courage you give me everyday even if you don’t know it. Wherever in the world you really end up just know that I’ll be coming for you one day.

Two: ハーヴェイ

There are so many things I could say about you, there really are. You have a soul filled with so many beautiful colours under all that grey you hide under, you have a lovely array of shapes in you that you share with me. I feel the up most privilege that I know you the way I do, I am honoured to be the first to  really know you the way I do. It breaks my heart every time to see you sad and I’m glad you are happy now but please don’t get so caught up in the whirlwind that you forget to look after yourself. I’ve always had a soft spot for you even if you can’t see it, I’ll always root for you. When I’m sad I like to think of those times in mentor when we sat together on a table and I used to tell you about my childhood and you’d stare at me, really listening and you’ve helped me so much to open up. Your entire face lights up when you speak about E and I so please don’t lose that fondness, and I know that there is the possibility that you’ll move away after high school and if that’s the case, don’t forget me. Always stay safe, look for a silver lining.

Three: No BS Here

You’re probably going to think that you’ve got the worst out of the lot and I can’t stress enough the joy you bring to my life. You make me laugh everyday, really laugh until my sides hurt, you once said to me “the more you want to die the funnier you are”and after much thought I completely agree with you. But that also means that you don’t necessarily want to live for a long time and I think about that a lot too and all the things I wanted to do so you wouldn’t look forward to the 29th. After much deliberation the only thing I could do would be to agree with you, which I sincerely could but I also want you to be here for a very long time which is selfish I know but I’m only human. There was a very long period of time where I never laughed, I never even smiled, I was a walking disaster and you’ve given me a life time of laughter which has more than made up for the vacancy in my heart. I’ve told you this once before but I’ll tell you again, I used to sit and watch you in geography, you and Bee were really close and I was so desperate to be your friend because I thought you were so cool, I still do. I even still think I wonder what Leon would do when I’m in certain situations so thank you dearly for the stupid stuff you’ve stopped me doing. I give you all the faith and luck the world for your future. By the way I also really admire your honesty.

Four: Buttercup

I know you’ll probably never read this and that’s okay, I don’t know why I don’t want to tell you about this blog but I feel like we’ve already shown each other of our stripped back selves so you don’t really need this but you’re one of the five dearest people to me. We’ve been through so much haven’t we? I imagine us (figuratively of course) surfing together and when everything is smooth the waves get too much and push us off our boards but of course we have to save each other, we do every time. Thank you for the adventure and fire you’ve instilled in my heart, thank you for your belief in me when I had none at all. Keep your chin up Buttercup xo

Five: Gollum

I once read this quote and it’s always stuck with me.

“Become friends with people who are not your own age. This is how you see the world, this is how you grow.”

You being older means that I don’t to see you as often as my other friends or even as much as I’d like but that doesn’t mean you’re any less special. You’ve taught me so much over the years and my favourite by far is that you can learn a lot about a person after twelve o’clock, you’ve also given me the best three am I’ve ever had. We’ve been friends for around four years nearly now and God knows why you wanted to be friends with me, I even remember the thing I’d said which got A to make us friends but I was too embarrassed to actually say it because twelve-year-old me smells distinctly of desperation, I called you, among other things, “a pretty alien” I was so desperate to be your friend and that included doing anything I could to be funny (I wasn’t). You’ve been a bad influence lending me those books 😉 and I’m wonderfully glad for it because you’ve managed to inadvertently shape the funniest joke of my life, especially being in that red room. You were the first person to take me to the riverbank and now it is one of my favourite places, you’ve  helped me ease into growing up and you’ve managed to change the way my life is, things could have gone so differently if it weren’t for you. I admire the way you think and thee way you broaden my horizons and push me to think further, I appreciate all the support you’ve given me and I hope K doesn’t return to work and you can stay for as long as you should please, thank you for being there when things were hard.

 

I have five friends because I have an eternity of love to share between these people and I love each one dearly. I appreciate all the support and love you give me.

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