So schools back… I’ve been back for a grand total of 11 school days.
When I was in primary school I used to adore school, I’d get ready for bed and think the sooner I go to sleep the faster I will be at school. If I could have I think that I probably would have lived at school. The older I’ve gotten the more I’ve hated school.
Considering that this is my last year in a traditional school environment I wanted to enjoy it. I’m never going to wake up in the morning and put on the uniform again, one day, very soon, I’m going to walk out of the school gates and I’m never going to go back again, I’m never going to see all those people I, at one time, considered friends again. I’m probably going to even leave some of my friends’ memories trapped in their, I’ll meet new people and discover new things about myself in a constant state of improvement, life is going to keep moving and so am I, I’m never going to get this opportunity again. The point I’m making is that I will never ever get this chance so it is therefore the only opportunity I’m ever going to get to live this.
I try to keep this in mind, I look at the corridors differently, I look for the familiar cracks and I look for the familiar faces and study each one. I give each person a summed up sentence of what I’ll chose to remember them as, I think of the fond primary school memories I had with some of these people and I think about how they’ve changed and I think of how I remember them and the thing is, people don’t change, they just grow into who they’re meant to be and it’s unfair for me to hold the opinions I have against them and expect more when maybe they don’t have more to give. For example; there’s a boy at my school, I went to primary school with him and since I was young I’ve always had a soft spot for him, yes he was always a troublemaker but he used to try to be better and now, I still have my soft spot yet it’s tarnished, I need to stop thinking better of him when I’ve no reason to, now he’s the typical high school boy he’s supposed to be and I’ve out grown these people but I still hope.
Following on from before, I see everything differently, I see it all as a photograph I’m trying to remember and despite what I say, I don’t really want to leave. I don’t want to grow up, I want to grow down. Growing up isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and I wish that I had stopped hoping for something better because this is all I’m going to get. Nothing is going to change for me whether I deserve it or not so I’ll take my photographs and my memories and I’ll look back, fondly at my last year of school rather than with the abysmal hatred I feel for all the rest.
I’m realising now that this isn’t going to be my life forever, there is going to come a day where I feel so loved and appreciated I’m never going to have to wonder whether or not its just me that would move Heaven and Earth, whether it’s just me who’s giving all the love in my heart and anything else I can muster, I’m never going to wonder why there aren’t people like me because I’ll realise there are. I’ll realise how me finding myself now, even if I second-guessed myself, was so important and the hope it gives me.
I hope everyone can have something amazing to look back on when they think of school because I chose the person it’s made me today, a prison that held my darkest memories now holds cascading waterfalls of light. Find something good to remember it by. On a happy note, have a picture of me on my first day on my last year of high school.