Letting go: How do I feel right now?

I’m not going to talk about this again on my blog however what I feel is worth one post,  one post for me to separate and discuss my own feelings. I’m writing this in October and when I post this in January I might not feel the same but this is how I feel right now. This weeks post is going to be part of a collection of ‘Letting go’ this time I’m letting go of you.

It wasn’t ‘love at first sight’ I don’t even know if I still believe in that but there was certainly something at first sight. It was like I just knew, what I knew I don’t know but I knew something. Back  in our first science lesson in year nine, we all lined up against the wall waiting for our teacher to put us in a seating plan and we locked eyes across the room and that was when I knew. I knew your name but I didn’t know a lot about you we’d never really been in the same lessons or ever crossed paths. Somehow I really just knew and two years later I still don’t know what it was.

I used to tell you I hated you, not in a malicious way but in a playful flirty way and at the time I was concerned because I thought you were taking it seriously but now that I’m older and wiser I don’t think you were. Nevertheless, I was so concerned, I even used it as an excuse to message you to tell you I didn’t because how could you feel the same way I felt about you if you thought I hated you.

Then came the argument, we argued and argued for hours, for some reason I didn’t know you were obsessed with arguing about my best friend and why I shouldn’t be friends with him because of the things he had supposedly said in the past. We argued a lot about him and although you seem to be okay with him now things weren’t okay before.

These arguments lead to a whole lot more, some I can’t even remember. I know that we somehow started talking every day after I told you I liked you. I didn’t want to, I wanted to like you in silence where I faced no rejection. S, my best friend at the time who I have since drifted from and I now realise she wasn’t such a good friend after all, told you that I liked you and you pressed me on it for hours and I got so sick of it that I just came out with it, you’d think with the fuss you made that you’d have told me you liked me too. You didn’t.

You were cruel that night. Flash forward to the next day and it’s the last day up to the Christmas break, I remember sitting in Mr A’s geography with G and D and they knew what had happened and I remember feeling so distraught about the way you had treated me and you kept looking at me as if you liked the misery I felt.

I wish that was where I ended it, then and there. Somehow, I really cannot remember how but we started talking, really talking. We used to facetime almost every night and between my netball training/matches, your football training/matches and you going to Leed’s rugby and football matches we really made that work. I could tell you almost anything about you, your favourite ever day was th 3rd of January 2010 when Leeds won Manchester United, your favourite player was Lewis Cook, you play centre back in football, your favourite colour is blue and your sister has panic attacks right before she takes her exams, but what do you know about me? You know my favourite band but who cares everyone knows that?

There was one time when you made me tell you I loved you, even though I wasn’t sure that I did. I laid in my bed, with my curtains closed, staring at my photo wall forcing myself to say what you wanted to hear and I hate that, I should have said those words when I really meant them. I still don’t know if what I did feel was love or if it was just well I don’t know what. I know I more than liked you and I know I it was more than infatuation but I don’t know what to label it anymore.

I have one stellar memory of you, just one in all that time. I had moved to the front of class in maths and you pulled your table back closer to mine, I remember you putting your arms behind your chair and holding my right hand, gently stoking my fingers, I think that is what’s so sad, that this is my only and fondest memory of you.

I remember how we stopped talking though, you went on holiday for a week and slowly we just stopped talking, I spent most of my summer worrying about whether or not we were going to end up in the same lessons or not, now that we did I almost  wish we weren’t.

So goes by another year of torture. I’m bored with your mixed signals, I’m bored with you looking at me in lessons, I’m bored of you alway asking  for help in English, I’m bored of being hung up on you when in the 279 days we talked for you couldn’t once tell me you liked me back. I’m bored of you giving e hope when I was trying to leave and I’m bored of what you’ve done to me, I’m bored and I just want my life back, I don’t want to think about you when I’m scared or when I’m panicking.

I just want to leave you so this is me leaving you for good.

Also shoutout to whoever drew the header image, I love it so much.


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